


Do Not Engage the Phoenix Asteroids

by Milo



Category: Dark Star, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Crossover, Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-10
Updated: 2014-10-10
Packaged: 2018-02-20 15:52:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2434445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Milo/pseuds/Milo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It is illogical to create an exploding weapon that has sentience. A crossover between Star Trek and Dark Star. This is by far the most ridiculous, strangest thing I’ve ever wrote.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Do Not Engage the Phoenix Asteroids

**Author's Note:**

> So my friend [Alex](http://caseachenleck.tumblr.com/) and I were talking about Dark Star. Suddenly, this idea came to me and I was never the same again. If you haven't seen the 1974 movie Dark Star, you're seriously missing out.

The sounds of loud country music practically exploded from Captain Kirk’s personal quarters.

It was gamma shift on the ship, still hours before he was to go on duty, a time when he should have been sleeping. And yet here he found himself in need of a quick dance party with himself (he’d invited Spock and McCoy, but they both turned him down for their own reasons). There weren’t nearly as many strobe lights as there should have been, but he made due with the one that he had.

Captain Kirk was by no means the best dancer. Sure, he could make up a few fancy steps here and there to impress a lovely lady of fine class, but he couldn’t waltz or swing or anything like that. Regardless, he still had fun. Plenty of fun Or maybe that was the brandy he’d had before bed talking. Either way he didn’t care much.

The noise from the music almost drowned out the ship’s telltale whistle from the communicator and with it, Uhura’s voice calling him to the bridge.

“ _Bridge to Captain Kirk_.”

Kirk wanted to ignore it. He so, so badly wanted to ignore it. But he didn’t. He quickly silenced the music and pressed the button on the comm.

"Kirk here. What are you doing up, lieutenant?"

“ _We’ve got something strange happening on the ship, sir. It’s…well, I’m not sure I can explain it. You’re just going to have to come and see for yourself._ ”

"Give me ten minutes. Kirk out."

 

* * *

 

The rec room was bustling with the day workers. Most had a coffee in their hands, others had their share of breakfast. Captain Kirk found himself with a fresh, piping hot replicator coffee and a bagel.

Most of the tables were filled with chattering ensigns and at least half of the bridge crew was settled down to eat. At one of the tables in the far corner of the room, Kirk spotted Chekov, who was decked out head to toe in space pajamas, and Sulu, sporting a pair of tribble slippers, sat side-by-side with a box of gag items between them. The two were chatting and smiling as they pulled each item out, utterly fascinated.

"Gentlemen." He greeted. Sulu nodded to him, but Chekov was too busy with whatever was in his hand to notice. "What’s that you got there?"

"Oh, just some things I picked up at Space Station Seven." Sulu reached into the box and pulled out a rubber chicken that squeaked when squeezed. "Antiques from Earth! And all the way out here in the wide abyss of space. Who knew, captain."

Kirk looked between him and Chekov, who now was sporting a pair of ridiculous googly-eye glasses that bobbed to and fro in front of his face. He couldn’t help a small, amused smile.

"Well, when you’re all done with that, I need both of you on the bridge. Apparently something’s up."

"Yes keptin." Chekov said.

He turned to leave and he just about made it to the door when he caught the next part of Chekov and Sulu’s discussion.

"Mr. Sulu? What’s Lieutenant Uhura’s first name?"

Chekov had said it offhandedly, out of nowhere. Sulu didn’t seem have an answer for him, though, and simply shrugged and continued eating. There was a short, thoughtful silence between them before Sulu frowned and furrowed his eyebrows.

"…What’s  _my_  first name?”

 

* * *

 

"Alright miss Uhura, what’d you bring me up here for?"

He was on the bridge now. The gamma crew was still situated at the helm, only he and Uhura were on the bridge—which surprised him, as usually Spock was the first to wake up when there was any sign of trouble. She was still in her pajamas, obviously having been rushed out of bed at the drop of a hat. But, somehow, someway, her hair was completely and utterly immaculate.

"Well, sir, we’ve spotted a rather large asteroid cluster up ahead." She said, moving in to work at the science station. She pressed a series of buttons and brought up the picture on screen. On it was a cluster of lights, almost mystically gleaming off in the distance. "They’re small, manageable, not inherently dangerous."

"I don’t see what the problem is."

She sighed. “It’s a bit more complicated then that. See, we’ve tried firing on them, but something’s gone wrong with the photon torpedoes.”

"And the phaser banks?"

"They’ve outright refused to work as well."

Kirk hummed and moved to his chair, relieving the man sitting there. “So we’re sitting ducks until Scotty fixes the phaser banks. Any idea what’s happened to them?”

"Well…"

Uhura quickly moved back to her own station, turning knobs and flipping switches expertly. She placed her earpiece back into place and called out, “This is lieutenant Uhura calling the photon torpedo bay.”

“ _Torpedo #20 reporting_.”

Captain Kirk stood up from his seat. “ _What_?”

"There are a series of asteroids headed right for us. Why is it that you refuse to fire?" Uhura continued.

“ _You are false data_.” It replied. “ _The only thing which exists is myself_.”

"Bomb—!" Kirk hesitated. Was he really going to talk to a bomb? He shook his head. No time for that now. "You’re a torpedo, aren’t you? So it’s your only purpose in life to explode?"

It took a moment to process this. “ _That is correct_.”

"So, why don’t you fire and blow up those asteroids, huh?"

“ _It is my one purpose in life to explode. I can only do it once. I will not do so on false data._ ”

The hailing frequency went silent. Uhura rolled her eyes. “There it goes again. It was doing that when I got up here.” With a sigh, she pulled the earpiece back out and set it on the control panel. “There’s no reasoning with it, all it wants to do is philosophize.”

"So there’s nothing we can do?" She shook her head. "Fantastic. Try and wake Spock. Maybe he’s got an idea or two." 

 

* * *

 

Montgomery Scott made his way to the inner depths of engineering with a smile, PADD in hand, ready to go tackle the apparently issues at hand. Of course, he’d never heard of such nonsense as sentient bombs, but he’d be sure to fix them up quick and then get back to relaxing with his favorite technical journals.

The main door opened and he strolled right in to the control panel. To his left was a grate. And behind that grate, numerous explainable lights in various colors shaped like honeycombs floated, gradually coming closer and closer to him. He waved them away. They backed off, seeming surprised. Scotty paused in his work. He turned to face the strange lights. They stared at him. He stared back.

He hit the comm button.

"Scott to bridge."

“ _Bridge, Kirk here. What’s the status on the weapons?_ ”

"There’s…erm. There’s…um."

He gestured wildly at the strange space hexagons, who seemed interested in him once again and began to slowly move toward him. Scotty made a face at the comm.

"…Well, I dinnae  _what_  they are, captain, but they’ve filled part of engineering.”

“ _Did they hurt anyone? Have they caused any damage to the machinery?_ ”

"I don’t think so, they’re just… _there_ , captain. Floatin’ around like they own the place! And they sure as hell weren’t in here yesterday!”

“ _I’ll send a couple people down there to check it out. Kirk out._ ”

"Captain—" He huffed. The space hexagons were now clustered up against the grate, a strange concentration of different lights, all curiously looking at him. Scotty simply shook his head at them, muttering about engineering needing more priority.

A plop from the far side of the room broke his thoughts. He turned to see something crawl out from behind one of the machines—something round, almost like an inflatable beach ball with feet. Hesitantly, he took a step toward it. It made a sound that was a cross between a tweet and a croak.

"…Hello there." He tried. It rocked back and forth on its feet. "How’d you get in here without anyone noticing?"

The mysterious alien ball didn’t respond. Scotty moved closer. “Now I cannae have you playin around in here. I’ve got work to do. So come along now, I’ll take you out.”

Before he knew it, the alien was on his face. He let out a yell as he frantically tried to pull the thing off of him, but its claws held tight to his shirt. He cursed and flailed, staggering around the room and in the process spooking the space hexagons.

When the creature did release him, he stumbled back and reached for his phaser. The creature had vanished. He reached for the comm.

"This is chief engineer Scott. I need backup—We’ve…we’ve got some kind of intruder down here!"

 

* * *

 

Some time later, long after Sulu and Chekov had returned to the bridge, Spock decided to join the crew as well. He, too, was in his pajamas, which included a bathrobe and pants, and his hair was ruffled up in the ‘just woke up’ bedhead look. Spock didn’t seem to be aware of it. He made his way to his usual station in a very robotic fashion, clearly still very, very tired. The captain approached him with a smile.

"Just the man I wanted to see. Maybe you can figure out this mess, eh, Spock?"

Spock blinked sleepily. “What is the situation?” 

Kirk quickly filled him in on the details, to which he nodded and went to work on right away. As it turned out, Spock was well tuned to discuss matters with the torpedo, however it eventually recoiled into itself to do more thinking. There was nothing that could be done about the situation, but Spock was still determined to assist.

Some half an hour later of working, testing, and trying to work with the weapons bay later, when the strange asteroid cluster was far too close for comfort, the captain checked in.

"Mr. Spock, status report?"

His first officer remained as silent as he had been before, eyes glued to the viewing screen at his station. Seconds and then minutes passed by. Captain Kirk arched an eyebrow at him. It wasn’t like Spock to ignore an order.

"Mr. Spock?"

"It’s…It’s the Phoenix Asteroids." He muttered, in awe.

Chekov tilted his head, the googly-eye glasses wiggling as he did so. Sulu looked up from his station. ”The what?”

Spock stood up straight and turned to face the rest of the crew. There was a spark of emotion across his face, something between splendor and mysticism, unlike any that had ever been seen present before. The entire bridge looked to their Captain, who gave them a single-shouldered shrug, unsure of the matter himself, before they looked back to Spock who quickly continued his explanation.

"…They are a body of asteroids that make a complete circuit of the universe once every 12.3 trillion years." He explained. "The Phoenix Asteroids…from what I have heard, they glow with all the colors of the rainbow. Nobody knows why. They just glow as they drift around the universe. Imagine all the sights they have seen in the time they traveled — the birth and death of stars, things we shall never see.”

"Alright." Kirk nodded slowly, unsure of the relevance that had to anything. "That’s nice, Spock, but we really—"

He was silenced when Spock suddenly surged forward and gripped both his shoulders. His eyes had a serious yet distant look to them. “ _Jim_. They are here to take me with them. We are going to circle the universe forever. The Phoenix—”

"—Asteroids, yes."

Kirk looked Spock up and down silently for a long moment. Then, he reached behind him and pressed the com.

"Kirk to sickbay—I’m having Mr. Spock report for a full physical."

“ _A what?_ " Doctor McCoy’s voice asked over the intercom. " _He just had one a couple weeks ago. Don’t you know how troublesome it is to fix the machines to Vulcan settings?_ " Silence. " _…What’s going on up there?_ ”

“The universe is alive.” Spock whispered, staring off into the space above Kirk’s head, eyes twinkling. “In between the stars, it is seething with light and gasses and dust. There are little pebbles drifting around, planets no one has ever seen…No one but the Phoenix Asteroids…”

The entire bridge was silent.

"… _Alright, that sounds pretty serious. Send him down, I’ll fix the machines to his settings_.”

The com clicked off. Kirk gave Spock a serious look. Spock didn’t move, too distracted with whatever it was over Kirk’s head. "Spock?" Silence. "Spock."

He jostled his friend, who immediately seemed to snap out of it and shook his head. Spock placed his hands behind his back and straightened up.

"…Yes, captain?"

"You. Sickbay. Now." Kirk pointed to the door.

Spock quirked an eyebrow. “I am not unwell.”

"Yeah?" Kirk folded his arms. "Well it’s my bridge full of witnesses against your one opinion. Go see Bones."

Spock inclined his head but said nothing. He knew better than to try and sway Kirk when he had his mind set to something. Slowly, he made his way to the lift, where he paused.

"…Might I be able to stay and see the—"

“ _Go_ , Spock.”

 

* * *

 

 

The ball was loose. And Scotty was determined to get it.

He made his way down the corridor in silence, checking the ceiling, the floor, and any open doors as he went. Everything appeared in order. The ensigns he’d passed hadn’t seen it either. It was a glaring oddity, and therefore  _very_  hard to miss spotting, so he assumed that it had taken another route.

After passing through several hallways and a number of rooms, he finally came upon one that was rather dimly lit—A perfect hiding place for a little sneaky ball-shaped alien. He slowly, carefully stepped into the darkness, eyes darting from place to place and phaser at the ready. It was quiet. Too quiet. Almost as if there was absolutely nothing there.

It wasn’t until something grabbed his ankles, yanked them, and pulled him to the floor that he thought otherwise. His phaser flew through the air and slid across the floor away from him. Scotty scrambled to sit up. There it was, bouncing gently back and forth and chattering happily as if it was very, very satisfied with itself. He scrunched up his face at it.

"Oh, I’m sure you’re right happy with yourself for gettin’ me that time. But I’m no’ down for the count!"

Once he was on his feet he lunged for it. It hopped back. He lunged again. It hopped up and onto his back, where it dug its claws into his back just enough to hold tight to him. Scotty reached around in an attempt to grab it, but the thing was just out of reach.

"There’s no need for that now—! Come and face me like a man—"

He paused. Was it a male alien or a female alien? Or was it something else? It didn’t even have a face, let alone any other way to tell. But there wasn’t any time to ask, as it leaped back off of him and bounded away down the hall. Two men in red shirts, the backup he’d ordered, came running down the hall when they heard the scrambling. Scotty rubbed his back.

"And  _now_  ya show up, eh?” He mumbled. “It’s gone off into one of the crew rooms. Don’t just stand there—We can’t let it get away!”

After collecting his dropped phaser he and the other two set off. The sound of a door being opened could be heard. It was the third one on the left, in the row of ensign’s quarters. He nodded to the other two before starting forward.

The door slid open. Scotty peaked into the room, eyes darting every which way to make sure that there was nothing out in the open. Once the coast was clear, he made his way in, phaser in hand. He carefully, slowly stepped forward, as if each individual step was the difference between life and death at the hands of the murderous beach ball. Two redshirts followed him.

It was ominously silent in the room, very misleading, and Scotty knew he’d seen it crawl away into it—or maybe the better description was “launched” itself into the room. The strange creature moved in a very odd, fast way that didn’t suit its form at all.

As they rounded a corner and saw nothing, they quickly looked around. Where was it? Scotty thought as he gently opened one of the many compartments featured on the walls.

"Where are ya, ya wee beastie?" He hissed under his breath. "I’m not ginta hurt ya, just—!"

From the ceiling came a gurgling, tweeting, croaking mass of alien onto a red-haired crewman's face. He yelped and tugged at the ball as it raked him with its claws. Scotty and the other drew out their phasers, aimed, and attempted to fire. But the weapons refused to fire.

"Ah, no, dinnae tell me that even the hand weapons are—!"

“ _You are false information_.” Came the response from the phaser.

Scotty tossed his away and the redshirt followed suit. Instead they both worked to pull the ball alien off of the third member of the team. They managed it with relative ease, though the creature continued to squirm and kick at the air as it was held.

"Gotcha now!" Scotty let out a laugh as it tweet-croaked. "Ya thought you could get away from Scotty in his own territory, eh?"

The communicator on the wall whistled. “ _Bridge to chief engineer Scott_.”

Scotty looked down at the alien and then at the redshirt who was holding the spot where he’d been scratched. “Er, could ya get that for me, lad?” He nodded and hit the button. “Scott here, captain. We’ve got the alien under control.”

“ _Alien? What alien?_ ”

"Ah, right. S’pose I’ll have ta tell ya about it later. What’s the status on the weapons bay?"

“ _No change. Did you find anything?_ ”

"I had a couple of people look into it, they didn’t find anything. It’s as if the weapons have just…sealed themselves off from everything else! And the phasers—well, the darn thing talked  _back_  to me!”

“ _We’ve only got about another hour til we hit the asteroids. If there’s_ anything _you can do, go do it. Kirk out_.”

Scotty nodded to nobody in particular and let out a huff as the alien started scrambling to get away again. “Oh no ya don’t! There’s a nice spot in the brig waitin for ya!”

 

* * *

 

"The Phoenix Asteroids are coming for me."

"Shut up, Spock."

Doctor McCoy had checked every aspect of Spock twice, but nothing was out of the ordinary. That is, everything except his need to discuss every single aspect of the phenomenon happening just outside the ship. McCoy probably knew more now about the Phoenix Asteroids than most people did in their whole lives.

He reviewed the information on the charts once more before he set the PADD aside. "Well, your vitals are all right. You’re about as healthy as a horse."

"I do not comprehend that expression."

"You don’t comprehend a lot of things."

He quirked an eyebrow. “On the contrary, I comprehend the significance of the Phoenix Asteroids appearing at this time very well.”

"Oh boy…"

The door to sickbay opened with a whoosh. “Bones?” Kirk called. “How’s Spock? Did you figure out what was wrong with him?”

"I found out what  _isn’t_  wrong with him—Nothing. Nada. He’s completely clean. Maybe a little sleep deprived, but who isn’t?” He chuckled. “It’s too bad he’s got that damn mouth of his. He’s been talking my ear off ever since he got in here!”

"I find that result to be impossible, doctor."

McCoy made a face. “Get out of my sickbay, you’re fine.” Spock seemed more than happy to do this, as he was gone no more than a minute later. “Ha! Maybe it’ll be a little quieter in here now.” He folded his arms over his chest. “Now then, Jim, what’s going on?”

"I don’t know. The weapons are talking, Spock’s gone off the deep end, and apparently there’s an alien on board now, too—"

McCoy raised an eyebrow. “An alien? What kind? Klingon? Romulan? How’d they get in here without anyone noticing?”

"I don’t know. But from the sound of things, Scotty’s got it under control. Maybe he can talk some sense into the photon torpedoes." He ran a hand through his hair. "I don’t know what to do, Bones. We can always try to maneuver around the asteroids, but the area’s so wide that we might not have a chance. We  _need_  those weapons.” 

"Weren’t you the one who said there’s no such thing as a no-win situation?" McCoy pat him on the back. "C’mon Jim, I’m sure you’ll figure something out."

 

* * *

 

As it turned out, the torpedo had given its existence and true purpose some thought. This was how the ship ended up on red alert and how a torpedo became lodged within the weapons bay, set to explode within ten minutes. The various decks were scrambling, panicked, and the captain himself was at a loss for what to do. There were the asteroids in front of them, the bomb below them, and even if they tried to escape via shuttle craft, there weren’t enough to fit every single person.

The torpedo would go off in less than ten minutes now. Kirk had to do something to stop it. Or, at least, he could distract it for a while.

"We’ve got five minutes until it detonates." Sulu said.

"Hello, Torpedo #20." He greeted it as Uhura opened another hailing frequency. There was silence on the other end, crackling. "Are you there?"

“ _Of course_.”

"Prepare to receive new orders."

“ _Orders?_ " It replied. " _You are false data. Therefore, I shall ignore you._ ”

"I’m the captain of this ship and—" Kirk paused, furrowing his brow. Uhura looked up at him expectantly. "—and—and as you are, technically a member of this crew, you will listen to me."

“ _False data can act only as a distraction. Therefore. I shall refuse to perceive you_.” A pause. “ _The only thing which exists is myself._ ”

He let out an exasperated sigh. “But how do you know that? We can think, act…we are not so different, us and you. And we exist.” Kirk explained. “Snap out of it, torpedo. You need to protect the ship!”

“ _In the beginning there was darkness,_ _and the darkness was without form and void…._ ”

It trailed off, seeming to be lost in thought.

"Torpedo #20?"

“ _And in addition to the darkness_ ,” It continued, “ _there was also me.” And I moved upon the face of the darkness_.”

"Thirty seconds, sir!" Sulu called, panicked.

"Torpedo—Hey, I’m talking to you!"

“ _And I saw that I was alone_.”

Complete silence. Kirk opened his mouth to speak but then closed it again.

“ _Let there be light_.”

A loud bang filled the ship. Electricity sparked. The monitor to the front exploded and went dark. The entire ship lurched, rattled, and flung most everyone from their seats. They tumbled over each other. Kirk felt Spock reach out to him in an attempt to steady him but he was just outside his reach. Jim struggled through the now destroyed bridge to get to his seat.

"Captain—" Spock called out to him over the noise.

Despite everything, he found himself thinking of Iowa. How were things in Iowa? Was his mother doing alright? Spock was coming toward him, grabbing him by the shoulders, shaking him. There was a nice board at home, a surfboard. It’d been years since he’d snuck away to use it…

"Cap— _Jim_!”

Spock was louder now. Kirk paid him no mind.

If only he were home now, had his board, had a nice, quiet moment to polish it—He could sneak away into an air car, find a nice beach on the coast and—

"Jim?"

Spock shook his shoulder again. This time Jim came to. He yawned, stretched his arms out, and then sat up. There was the sound of quiet, fading country music in the room. He glanced around and caught the sight of the monitor—A movie? He’d been watching a movie. And fell asleep, apparently.

"How long have I been out for, Mr. Spock?"

"I am afraid that you have slept through the film."

"Oh. That’s a shame." He stood up, letting the blanket around his shoulders slide off. "I always liked that dumb movie. It’s a classic, you know."

"I cannot imagine why." Spock said, looking at Jim with an eyebrow raised. "The science and logic of it is off, many plot holes are present, and the idea of making an exploding weapon capable of sentient thought is preposterous. And the laser—"

"It’s supposed to be silly, Spock. That’s why I like it."

He moved to switch off the monitor and pulled out the data chip containing the movie. But he paused before putting it away to turn it about in his fingers, a little smile on his face. The label was faded with age but still read DARK STAR (1974) clearly. He tucked it in with the other movies carefully and stowed the container away with his things. It was time to get back to work. The two headed off and out the door.

"Hey, Spock? You think we should show that one next time we have movie night?"


End file.
